THE CLAP
Do you hate clapping at the end of plays?
Man I do!
It's not like I don't want to give the actors their praise.
These plays are always so awe inspiring
Knowing how much work they put in... How Tiring
Hell I clap after anything with an intermission
Monty Python and the Holy Grail, the disc changes for LOTR
The brief awkward pauses when you switch out discs for an audio book
But much like church when they tell you. “All Rise”
Suddenly, blood rushes to your feet all pins and needles it hits your thighs
Wait 2 more songs before we can sin again
2 more songs before we can dive into gluttony at what ever all you can eat buffet
This is how it goes at any play
Lights all dim and you know its the end but here they come
Stage hands... sure give them their props for the props am I right
Normal clapping
Next up all the actors you weren't watching the ones that made up the scenery
Hands are getting warm
Still more it's the section B group the supporting players
Really getting that mix of tingling and discomfort going on now
Oh here come the actors obviously paired for importance of roles
First out means least recognized
Thought crosses your mind, I wasted the good clap on the props directors
2 more
God damn my hands hurt
2 more
Realize I've been sitting for far to long
There's only so many times you can cross and un cross your legs
Specially when that bald dick in front of you kept glaring at you for kicking his chair
not that I'd care
Sorry I'm a giant you hairless homunculus
2 more
Oh shit that's your friend the one you came to see
but now your hands are numb bits of meat
you want to stand and let them know you thought they were great
Theater curtsy dictate
that act waits till the end
So you wait 4 more pass the stage
and now they are all holding hands... awww
They bow and this my friends
This is where like in the last lap of a race
You give it your all
You holler and clap the truth of real pain crosses your face
Fuck my hands hurt
You start to stand
Oh wait no one else is standing yet everyone's just …DAMN IT
looking
waiting
We clap for the band
No one wants to be first
And for the director under my breath I curse
Dear god I have rare steaks for hands and aching legs I'm going to stand
Lights go dim
stuck there clapped out half up from your chair
Actors exit stage left the awkward giant at which they all stare
waiting for others to file out
Slowly you rise Like dough in an oven, secured in an uncomfortable sona
and now more waiting off to the back to congratulate the actors
Hey there great job, oh that one scene was wonderful, loved your portrayal
Everyone of them wants to shake your hand
You wince a smile and nod for sure
Finally your friend the one whom you were in able to clap for
You hand them the flowers wilted thanks to a hundred peoples body heat
Trapped in a coffin of mixed colognes and perfumes
With a weak smile and a hug they're off to the cast party
Out you walk into the cold fall night
Luckily my hands are still bright
Hot enough to spontaneously combust
enough to keep me warm I trust
God I hate clapping for plays.
